IT IS better to have loved and be loved in return, than to have never loved at all.

I was in the car waiting for my parents to each finish cutting their hair in Chinatown and I was fiddling around with the car seat. I realized how much it looked like a person, so I imagined a guy holding his arms out to me. No specific guy, though. Just someone to hug me tight. So I was imagining, and I was trying to hug the chair but 's actually a pretty difficult thing to do. You're sitting down, and your arms are in this awkward position. I have to remember not to hug someone sitting down. It's not as cuddly as it seems. But while I was sitting down I had this feeling of loneliness. I wanted someone to hug. And I don't like the fact that my parents and relatives are not the touchy-feely-huggy type. Stinky Asians. No wonder I'm so crazy most of the time. I need some human contact.

I have all these expectations of an ideal guy, but they're not that much. I'm insecure when it comes to talking to guys face to face. I have no idea why, because I can pretty much communicate with them well online. But that's because I can't see them. What a loser I am. I guess I'm not alone. But the point is, with guys I think I have to impress them, but I know I can just be myself. But when I try to be myself, I end up looking like I'm impressing them. Sounds confusing, I know. Maybe I'm forcing myself to be myself too much, and the pressure shuts me off. Maybe I can be a little wild. Maybe I can allow myself to flirt more.

But what is teenage love, anyway? I seriously doubt that I will find a good enough guy who will want to stay with me for ages right now. Eventually I know I will find someone amazing (in bed) and get married. Oh, and that's another thing. That marriage and baby thing? My mom was lecturing me about how Mexican girls fool around (somehow originated with green bananas) and the horror of laboring over pregnancy. I don't want to have all the cramps, morning sickness, and pain for 9months+. Or maybe I should just hurry up and get it over with. I want a baby, I just don't want the pain. I could just adopt like Angelina Jolie and find a man like Brad Pitt. Yeah, that would be the life.